Never Again
by TehCheezGangsta
Summary: Sealand decides to see what all the hype over coffee is about...and regrets it. Finland and Sweden can be pretty creative punishers.
1. Chapter 1

**Hey guys! This is just a random thing I wrote because I have nothing better to do. Sorry if it's badly written, but I wrote it in kind of a hurry. Well, I hope you like it.**

* * *

Sealand darted into his room and slammed the door behind him, mug in hand. Success! He had stolen the sacred "coffee."

Why did he want coffee in the first place? It's simple: because he's not allowed to drink it. Of course, anything that Sweden and Finland won't allow just HAS to be awesome, right? Right? Just agree with me.

He eagerly took a sip and almost gagged. Gross! It was so bitter. He poured the coffee into his mug when his parents weren't looking, so it was straight up coffee with no milk or sugar. He wasn't sure if he should keep drinking it, but he did anyway, because he's such a rebel.

As he emptied the mug, he noticed something. He felt really jittery and hyper and for some reason had the urge to yell random things.

"….BUTTCRACK!" He quickly clamped his hand over his mouth. Why the hell did he say that? They'll find out he drank coffee and yell at him!

"Sealand?" Finland said, opening the door. "I was wondering where you went. Breakfast is ready…are you alright? You seem kind of hyper." He said, eyeing the way Sealand couldn't seem to stay still.

"Hyper? I'm not hyper! That's crazy talk. Your face is hyper! Hahahahahahahaha…" Sealand attempted and failed to act normal.

"Okay…" Finland said, glancing around the room to find out why his son was acting so weird. Maybe he's on crack! Maybe he slipped and hurt his head and now he has brain damage! Oh no! It was then that he saw the coffee mug, Dammit! He TOLD Sealand that coffee was off-limits. But yelling at him wouldn't help much. He'd have to get more…creative.

"Hey Sealand, we're taking you to the amusement park after breakfast, so get dressed."

"Yay! You're awesome, mommy."

Finland pinched the bridge of his nose. "Once again, I'm not your mom…I'm a man." He sighed in annoyance but decided to let it slide. "Anyway…hurry up; we're going to go as soon as possible so there aren't huge lines."

* * *

An hour later, Sealand was walking excitedly to the amusement park gates, tugging Finland and Sweden behind him. "You guys are so slow! Walk faster, pulling is hard work."

After getting tickets and entering, Sealand looked at all the rides, not sure which one to go on first. "Ooh, I wanna go on that one…and that one…and that one…and that one…and that one…"

"Oh, don't worry; you'll get to go on all the rides all right..." Finland said with a slight smirk.

* * *

"I'm tired, I wanna go home!" Sealand complained after the first couple of rides. All of the energy he got from the coffee went away, and he just crashed.

"No…I said you would get to go on all the rides, and I meant it." Finland said.

"Ugh…" He mumbled lethargically as he tiredly stumbled towards yet another ride. "Fine…I'll go on this…I guess…"

While he was on the ride, Finland and Sweden smirked at each other. "Well, h'll certainly learn h's lesson 'fter this." Sweden remarked.

They did not show Sealand any mercy until he rode every last ride at the amusement park, and believe me, there was a hell of a lot of rides.

"I rode them all…can we go home now?" Sealand asked, looking miserably tired and barely able to walk.

"Hm…I suppose." Finland said. "I'm guessing you've learnt your lesson?"

Sealand nodded tiredly as Sweden scooped him into his arms, deciding to give the kid a break. "Yes, mom…" He muttered as his eyelids fluttered shut.

He would never drink coffee again. No, scratch that. He would never even disobey his parents again, because they're sadistic punishers. He would be a good boy. At least until that one incident a few years later…

* * *

**So, how was it? Not that horrible, I hope. XD Not sure if I should continue this or leave it as a one-shot yet.**


	2. Chapter 2

**So I finally got around to writing a second chapter. This was damn fun to write, especially the angry Finland part.**

* * *

Remember that promise Sealand made to be a good boy? Yeah, neither did he, judging by his behavior. He was a good boy for about…2 weeks. After that, he went back to his usual self. He snuck out numerous times, talked back to his parents, had tantrums, and almost burned down the house. (Admittedly, that one was an accident. It's not his fault he can't cook! He blames England for that one.)

The one thing he never did again, however, was drink coffee. Or any source of caffeine for that matter. Until tonight, that is. He arranged to sneak out with some of his friends, as usual for him, but he had an idea to make things more fun.

Sealand managed to slip out of the house unnoticed. It was late, but there was still a small convenience store open nearby, so he stopped in there.

He looked around the store. "Hmm…ten monsters…five red bulls…five hour energy? I'll get twenty! That should do it." Sealand proceeded to the counter. The guy there had spiky blond hair and had an axe strapped to his back. HMM, I WONDER WHO THIS PERSON COULD BE? Hard to tell, since he had Groucho glasses on (you know, those funny glasses with the nose and mustache attached). Sealand dumped his various cans of stuff on the counter while the dude just stared.

"And what are you doing with all this stuff, little kid?" He asked, pretending he didn't know Sealand. This was going to be funny.

"Uh…" Sealand thought. "It's…for my parents!" Wait. That didn't really make sense. OH WELL.

"Oh. That totally makes perfect sense." The dude threw all of the energy drinks into a bag and handed it to him. "Have fun! Don't die of caffeine overdose!" He waved as Sealand walked out of the store.

"Ugh. That guy was a WEIRDO…reminds me of someone I know, but who…?" Sealand said as he pulled out a random energy drink and took a sip. He didn't notice the aforementioned weirdo, aka Denmark, follow him to the usual meetup spot. Ladonia, Wy, and Latvia were already there waiting for him.

"There you are! What took you so long, did that stupid Sweden keep you from leaving sooner? I can beat the crap out of him!" Ladonia said, patting his trusty laptop which he was most likely imagining using as a weapon.

"No…I was busy buying these!" He whipped out his bag, seeming to think that buying energy drinks makes him a cool kid. "The guy at the store was a weirdo though. Had these weird ass glasses." Denmark laughed quietly from behind some bushes.

Wy raised an eyebrow. "Energy drinks? That's so…immature."

"I think I agree with Wy." Latvia said.

"Cool, more for us! Of course you guys are too loserly to have any anyway." Ladonia taunted as he took an energy drink.

"What? I am not loserly!" Latvia said, taking a drink to prove how "unloserly" he really is. Because he's usually seen as weak around Russia, he feels the need to look cool and badass around everyone else.

Wy sighed. "Fine…I'll try one…I guess…" She said, taking a red bull.

* * *

The bag was half empty (or half full, if you're into that optimism crap) by this point, and they found themselves at a park. Denmark was watching from a tree, looking through binoculars for effect.

Latvia was standing on one of those pogo ride things, acting as if it was the funnest thing in the universe. Wy and Ladonia were currently on a seesaw, each trying to bounce the other off.

"DAMMIT, I CAN'T KNOCK YOU OFF! WHY ARE YOU SO GODDAMN FAT?" Ladonia screeched.

"AM NOT! YOU'RE JUST A STRINGBEAN, YOU BITCH!" Wy yelled back in retort.

"NO! YOU'RE A FAT WHALE FULL OF LARD AND BLUBBER AND STUFF!"

Meanwhile, Sealand was just running around yelling random things. "HI PEOPLE WHO LIVE NEARBY! I'M GONNA SING YOU A SONG! I'M A CUCUMBER, I'M A CUCUMBER, I'M A CUCUMBER, I'M A CUCUMBER, I'M A CUCUMBER, I'M A CUCUMBER, PLEASE DON'T STUFF ME IN A PICKLE JAR! DAMN I'M GOOD. I SHOULD HAVE A FRICKIN' ALBUM OUT BY NOW."

Denmark decided he should call Finland now. Wouldn't want the police to find them…though somehow being found by Finland would probably be scarier and much more traumatizing. Well, at least the kid would learn his lesson. He silently commended himself on being a responsible adult…well, kind of.

The phone rung a few times. "…Hello?" A very sleepy Finland said.

"Hello, would you like to buy Girl Scout cookies?" Denmark said in a ridiculously high-pitched voice. Oh wait, he was supposed to be serious. Okay, it's serious business time. Starting now. "Uh, I meant to say that your son is out gallivanting with some of his friends at the park."

"WHAT? Are you joking? Please tell me you're joking. You better be joking…" Finland said, slightly threatening.

"No, I'm serious, listen." Denmark held the phone out towards the park.

"I LIKE CORNCAKES!"

"BUTTCRACK!"

"YOUR MOM IS A POTATO!"

"BUTTCRACK…AGAIN!"

"I WANT CHEESE!"

Denmark put the phone back to his ear. "I think I've proved my point…"

Finland abruptly hung up.

* * *

Five minutes later a car pulled up and he could see Finland get out and march up to the playground.

"Sealand…I was so worried…and WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING YOU LITTLE SHIT DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW WORRIED YOU MADE US YOU ARE SO GROUNDED YOU WILL NEVER SEE THE LIGHT OF DAY AGAIN. TELL YOUR LITTLE FRIENDS TO GET IN THE CAR. WE'RE DRIVING THEM HOME. BETTER SAY GOODBYE, BECAUSE THIS WILL PROBABLY BE THE LAST TIME YOU'LL EVER SEE THEM EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER AGAIN!" He gripped Sealand's arm so hard it cut off circulation and dragged him to the car. His friends timidly followed. Even Ladonia. He'd rather put up with being near Sweden for a few minutes than getting dragged to the car by Finland. He'd probably need to buy a new arm if he had to face that death grip.

Everyone was dead silent, except to give directions to their various homes. After everyone was dropped off and Finland, Sweden, and Sealand were back at the house, Finland lifted up Sealand and practically threw him into his room. "Good night, wonderful child! Sleep tight!" He said sarcastically, slamming the door. He knew full well that Sealand wasn't going to be able to get any sleep, and decided to plan a lot of activities for tomorrow in case he still hasn't learned his lesson yet.

A few minutes later, Sweden quietly entered Sealand's room with sleeping pills. "…I have a fe'ling you'll need th'se…" He said before patting him on the head and leaving the room.

* * *

**Dude, Finland ended up a lot scarier than I originally planned. I've always found him much scarier than Sweden. Sweden is the softy, Finland is brutal. He's a good guy, he just really doesn't want Sealand to act like such a hooligan and will take drastic measures to make sure Sealand learns his lesson. By the way, that little cucumber song Sealand sung is real. Just go on YouTube and search "I'm a Cucumber" and it should come up. I originally was going to end the story here, but now I want to write another chapter. I love writing Finland this way, it's so fun. XD**


	3. Chapter 3

**Finally updated, yay. I'm sure you've all missed this elegant piece of literature so much. Yes, I'm still alive. Kind of. I think I'll end the story here because I'm a lazy ass and doubt I'll ever get around to writing another chapter.**

* * *

Finland came barging into Sealand's room at 5 AM sharp banging pots and pans. "Rise and shine, perfect son! Time to start another glorious day!"

Sealand groaned, unmoving. The sleeping pills had worked after about an hour of bouncing off the walls. Worked a little too well. They sent him into a deep, fitful sleep that was now being mercilessly cut short. "Five more minutes…" he grumbled into his pillow.

"I SAID GET UP YOU LITTLE SHIT! DO YOU WANT ME TO HELP YOU?" Finland waved the pan around menacingly.

Sealand darted up, momentarily having all the energy in the world. "I'm up, I'm up!" he said.

"Good, time for some breakfast! I made all your favorites! Cake, ice cream, cookies, all that disgusting crap that your fat ass likes!"

* * *

Sealand stared at his plate, piled high with sweets of all kinds. Just looking at it made his stomach churn.

"Well? Eat up!" Finland ordered. "Oh wait, I get it. You probably need some coffee to help wash it down, don't you?" Sealand cringed. "I'll go get you some!" Finland said, completely ignoring the look on his son's face. "Here you go." he put a HUGE mug of coffee in front of Sealand. And I MEAN HUGE. Like, 32 ounces. Not one of those wimpy-ass 8 ounce cups. Those are for wussies.

Sealand looked in horror at the "breakfast" in front of him. No way he was eating this shit. Sweden looked at him sympathetically. He's had to deal with Finland's…psychotic tendencies many times.

He decided that he should at least nibble so as not to piss off the ferocious Finland (yay, alliteration). He looked down at the floor while taking little bites in an effort to show his true ANGST, and saw Hanatamango. He then remembered, dogs were made for eating food you don't want! DUH! He thought about how he would get the food on the floor without Finland noticing and decided that was impossible since he was staring him down, so he said fuck it and just dumped the whole friggin' plate on the ground. Nice stealth, dumbass!

Hanatamango eagerly started gobbling down the food like a…GOBLIN. But everything on the plate was CHOCOLATE. OH NO! NOW HE'S GONNA DIE! The dog gave out a pained whimper and collapsed to the floor, dead.

"YOU LITTLE SHIT YOU KILLED MY DOG FUCK YOU HOW DARE YOU YOU DON'T DESERVE TO LIVE ON THIS PLANER GRR BLAH BLAH BLAH ONION LIVER SOCKS!" Finland said, grabbing a kitchen knife and chasing after his son.

"Shit!" Sealand ran. And ran. And ran. And ran. And paused to take a bathroom break. And then started running again until he had no idea where he was.

"Where am I?" He looked around, but all he could see for miles were rolling hills. He somehow found himself in the middle of nowhere, like in most cliché stories. "Hello, is anybody there…?"

"Why HOWDY, sonny! What in tarnation brings you out here?" An old guy in a straw had said, appearing out of nowhere. His name is Buddy. Everyone say hi to Buddy! Not that it matters really, since he can't hear you, but still.

"Not much…just running away from a homicidal maniac.""Well shucks! I do not know what this 'homocidal manic' thing you speak of is, but I'll tell you what! I just caught a prairie dog, and we are gonna have a feast tonight! Come with me, sonny." Buddy dragged Sealand with him before he could say anything.

Sealand ended up inside a small cabin. "So where's the prairie dog?"

"Oh, that? I lied. Hyuck hyuck hyuck! My feast tonight…IS YOU!" Buddy ripped off his mask, revealing a deranged Finland underneath. "YOU KILL MY DOG, I KILL YOU!" Finland picked him up and chucked him into a meat grinder. He put the ground Sealand into a container and made his way home. He was going to make a nice dinner tonight!

* * *

"So, do you like it? I made it special!" Finland said sweetly.

Sweden ate another forkful of 'meatloaf,' carefully tasting it. "It…tastes a l'ttle funny. Wh't kind of meat did ya use?"

"Um…prairie dog meat! Yeah! I wanted to try something a little…different this time."

Sweden looked at him strangely for a minute and then shrugged. "It's actually n't bad. You should m'ke this more often."

Finland just smiled and laughed nervously.

And here ends the story of Sealand. Well, I guess technically the story continues as he goes through the digestive tract and into the sewer to intermingle with all the other shit…but that would be a disgusting epilouge. Let's not go there.


End file.
